Somewhere Over Canada?

By: Michael Cochrane

Setting: At a peaceful spot often thought to be in the heavens somewhere over Canada, long lines of people are waiting to be welcomed into heaven through the Pearly Gates. God’s Executive Assistant is exasperated reviewing thick files and long lists. St. Peter approaches him.

St. Peter: I’m gonna need a few minutes with the Big Guy.

EA: Can it wait? He’s not in a great mood.

St. Peter: Why, what’s up?

E.A: (mumbling under his breath) Someone ate the last butter tart and he took six tries to get Wordle this morning… deaths are way up…births are down… good souls are in short supply…somebody’s been messing with the maple syrup in Quebec, so we are clocking overtime, it’s a mess.

St. Peter: Well, I’m gonna need to speak to Him about a problem.

EA: (Putting down his large feathered fountain pen) What’s up?

St. Peter: We have a guy in line over here causing a lot of trouble. Demanding to see the Big Guy… says there’s been a huge mistake…

EA: A “I didn’t know it was wrong” whiner?

St. Peter: No.

EA: “I was only following orders,” loser?

St. Peter: Worse. He says he knows the Big Guy personally, says we made a big mistake and everything he did was perfect and he’s threatening everyone. And get this…

EA: What?

St. Peter: He says he’s not even supposed to be dead. He’s calling it a hoax.

EA: Well, that’s a new one. What’s his name?

St. Peter: Trump

EA: (Reviewing his list) Trump, Trump. Nope. How did he even get up here?

St. Peter: Apparently he pushed some people out of line and got on one of the buses to heaven.

(A blinding light suddenly appears as God arrives. There is a little thunder so He’s not in a good mood.)

God: (Muttering) …and who even uses the word CAIRN. What a stupid word. And I swear if I find out who ate that last butter tart, I’ll give you a 5-letter word you won’t forget. How do you like the word SMITE? What’s going on with you two? There’s work to be done.

St. Peter: A guy in line, real troublemaker, insists on speaking to you. Says he knows you. He’s a “special case!” Says it’s “totally unfair!”

God: Cry me a river. Another “I was only following orders”? I’m getting tired of that BS.

EA: Lord!

God: Sorry, but it’s getting ridiculous. Look at the lineup!

St. Peter: He’s really causing trouble. People are getting upset. He’s spoiling everyone’s arrival.

God: What’s his name?

St. Peter: Trump, Donald J.

God: (Frowning and shaking his head) Doesn’t ring a bell.

St. Peter: Orange-faced guy. Long red tie. Crazy hair.

God: What? Orange face? You mean like a clown?

St. Peter: No, I think it’s make up. Spray on. He was President of something.

God: Do we have the usual good/ bad files on him?

EA: I’ll check. (leaves to look in filing cabinet)

God: How did he die?

St. Peter: That’s part of the problem. He says we made a huge mistake, he didn’t die. Calls it a hoax.

God: (Looking at St. Peter as if he is going to smack him) Do I usually make that kind of mistake?

St. Peter: Hey, I’m just repeating what he says.

God: What religion did he follow?

St. Peter: He drew a box on his form that said, “All of the above” and checked it. Claims to be a real fan, reads the Bible, keeps saying God better be good, God better be good.

EA: (returns with a thick file, flipping it around so St. Peter can read.) There was no good file. Just this.

St. Peter: OK here we go.. multiple marriages, adulterer, hookers, liar, convicted felon, sex crimes, bribery, started some kind of insurrection against his own people, (let’s out a low whistle), wants to make Canada a 51st state…well that’s crazy… there’s more…

God: Keep reading.

St. Peter: Pretty foul mouthed with women, (lowers voice to a whisper) said “grab them by the pussy”, called one a piggie …

God: You know I hear everything.

St. Peter: Sorry, it’s kind of vulgar. That’s the first page. (turns page) OK, now we are getting to the serious stuff. He has started a bunch of wars. A lot of innocent people have been killed. Seems to be losing this latest war even though he keeps telling people he won it the very first day. He’s threatening the other side. This Easter he said, - and I’m quoting - “open the fuckin’ strait you crazy bastards”…says he’s going to blow people to Hell…and, oh boy…

God: What?

St. Peter: At Easter when he was standing with the Easter Bunny… he was sending more threatening messages and ...(St. Peter winces)

God: What?

St. Peter: He ended that message with “Praise Allah”.

God: (Biting his lip, swearing softly in French and looking to the even higher up heavens)

St. Peter: There’s more.

God: Let me have it. All of it.

St. Peter: His latest threat was to bomb a bunch of people back to the stone age where they belong and that it would be the end of their civilization. When your man Leo advocated for peace, the orange guy called him “weak and terrible”!

God: (Speechless)

St. Peter: And he cheats at golf.

God: That son of a ...”

EA: Lord!

God: Where is this guy?

St. Peter: (pointing to a commotion near the buses) That’s him. The guy over there with the golf clubs.

EA: Is he holding the Bible upside down?

St. Peter: Yeah, apparently it’s not the first time.

Trump: (waving his arms and shouting) They had me in the wrong line! I’m giving you 24 hours to get this sorted out! Then I blow you all to Hell!!!”

God: He’s giving us 24 hours?

St. Peter: Ignore it. It’s the third time he’s said that and it started with 72 hours.

Trump: I made no mistakes!!! It was perfect!!! My life was the likes of which the world has never seen! Open the gates you fuckin’ crazy bastards…

God: (to his EA) Get me Satan.

EA: (Eyes popping) Really? Is he taking your calls?

God: (looks sternly at EA), Do you want to go meet him personally? Get him on the line.

EA: (hands phone to God) It’s ringing.

God: (waiting while it rings and is then answered) Yes, it’s really me. Whatever. You’re busy? Cry me a river. I assume it was you messing with the maple syrup in Quebec. You’re pushing your luck with me…some stuff is off limits… If you’re going to work overtime, then crap’s gonna happen.

EA: Lord!

God: Look, I have a guy up here who got on the wrong bus…I know… I know…he was president of something…he’s raising hell up here…sounds like your protege… Yes, an orange-faced guy, that’s him … yup…long red tie…looks like a clown…yes, Trump. OK. Thanks. No, no… I don’t owe you one. Same to you.

God: (hangs up phone and shakes his head.)

St. Peter: Well?

God: He’s sending his personal car around to pick him up.

EA: Thank the Lord!

God: (muttering about Satan) I bet he had something to do with that butter tart.

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Michael Cochrane is a Toronto lawyer and author. (www.michaelcochrane.ca) He was a recent recipient of the King Charles III Coronation Medal for his contributions to law, politics and public policy. His sense of humour has been described as peculiar.