Oh No. The President's Calling Again...

By Michael Cochrane

Setting: A glimpse into the not-so-distant future, as we join the meeting of the G-7 leaders from Italy, France, United Kingdom, Germany, Japan, the U.S. and Canada, as it gets underway in Kananaskis, Alberta, Canada, June 2025.

Mark Carney, Prime Minister of Canada: Welcome everyone. As your host I’m very proud that we are gathered here in Canada for this 50th meeting of the G-7. I also extend a warm welcome to Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky who joins us for our discussions. With the world economy torn apart by tariffs and deadly conflicts underway in many places, our work has never been more urgent. Working together we can and will craft a plan to move forward to save the global economy and bring peace to troubled regions, especially the Ukraine.

(Murmurs of approval and table thumping)

Mark Carney: (with a raised eyebrow and look of incredulity) I have just been advised that President Trump will not be joining us today. Given his singular responsibility for this global economic crisis and since he assured the world that he would end the Russian - Ukrainian war within 24 hours of being elected, I feel this is most unfortunate.

( Disapproving murmurs. Someone is heard to mutter, “Pourquoi? Tête de melon orange!”)

Mark Carney: (reading from an actual letter ) His note says: “I have a very important engagement this morning scheduled for four hours with very important world leaders that cannot be changed.”

(Delegates shake heads. Zelensky stage whispers to nods of agreement, “Probably with his BFF Putin.”)

Mark Carney: This is most unfortunate, but let’s get underway. If you look at the agenda…

Mark Carney’s Assistant: I’m sorry to interrupt Prime Minister but now he’s trying to join the meeting …

Mark Carney: Who?

Assistant: (Mini-eye roll ) President Trump …he’s been phoning to ask how he can watch our meeting. He said he can’t find it on FOX …I tried to explain …but…you know…

Mark Carney: (Whispering audibly to Assistant) Lord in heaven! That idiot. I knew this would happen.

Assistant: What shall I do?

Mark Carney: Hang on. Can I have everyone’s attention for a moment. I’m sorry, but apparently President Trump now wishes to join our G-7 meeting—but remotely. For some reason he’s thinks it should be on TV.

(Various G 7 Members muttering, Idiota … Espece d’idiot! … So ein idiot …dummkopf… was zum teufel …. Manuke…. Bloody nitwit! )

Mark Carney: I know. I know. Give us a moment. We’re sending him a secure Zoom invite. It should just take a minute. He will appear on the large overhead screen and on your monitors in a minute. It’s important he hear our discussions. Let’s be patient. Merci.

Assistant: Prime Minister, just a heads up, it was hard to hear him. It was noisy.

Mark Carney: Noisy?

Assistant: Yes, windy. Really windy. He said something about the Rose Garden.

Mark Carney: (rubs his temples, runs hands through hair and mutters) The U.S. mid terms can’t come fast enough.

Trump: ( his body suddenly appears on screen against a weirdly blurry pixelated virtual background depicting what is supposed to be the White House Rose Garden. Trump, dressed in a white golf shirt, khaki pants and wearing his standard red MAGA ball cap, appears to be speaking. He gestures as if playing a small accordion. He cannot be heard.)

Mark Carney: Mr. President … Don… you are on mute.

(Trump continues speaking and holds up a chart titled Golden Age with a list of dozens of countries and their tariffs. Handwritten changes in black sharpie have been made, some countries and tariff percentages of 145%, 25%, 10% have been crossed out, added again and then crossed out again. The chart is incomprehensible. For some reason the words “eggs and dolls” are underlined.)

Mark Carney. Don… Don.. you’re on mute…Take yourself off mute.

(A white gloved hand comes from off camera and touches the monitor in front of Trump. The audio is unmuted.)

Trump: (mid sentence) I’m here in a beautiful place, so beautiful, strongly beautiful, sort of like the Rose Garden, which some people say is the most beautiful in the world…this place is beautiful but it has a terrible name - Kana…Kana… Kananastyitis, so hard to say .. I may need to change that name to something easier … so nasty… not as beautiful as that word tariff… tariff…I like to call them terrific tariffs …terrific tariffs, so fun to say…leading to a Golden Age….I never said right away… but soon…we may have to go through a Bronze Age first… some are saying maybe even Iron…I don’t know…(suddenly yelling at person off camera as his tariff chart blows out of his hands and out of sight ) What do you mean no audio? I just finished explaining how their countries, some small but so nasty, have been ripping us off for kabillions of dollars since 1776 because of Joe Biden… So unfair!

Mark Carney: Don… Don… we can hear you now…. don’t worry about the chart and tariffs. We got it. We’re just getting started. If you look on the right side of your screen you’ll see today’s agenda.

Trump: (puzzled and looking from side to side brings his bronzed face so close to the monitor that those watching recoil. A young women screams, “Santa merda! Un mostro di carne!” )

Mark Carney: Mr. President, just listen for a few minutes while we get underway. You can always jump in… (whispers) God forbid. I never thought I could miss working at a bank. A teller’s job looks good right now.

(Suddenly a woman’s voice can be heard calling out cloyingly): Mr. President, you’re amazing! Your ball is dead centre of the fairway again! Great drive! Over 350 yards! No wonder you’re club champion!

Mark Carney: Mr. President, I thought you said you’re in the Rose Garden.

Trump: Hang on Governor. How many yards to the green, Danielle?

Premier Danielle Smith: 158 yards. Probably just a pitching wedge for you Mr. President!

Trump: Pierre, hand me my 3 wood!

Mark Carney: Mr. President…Don…are you golfing?

Trump: Hang on! ( sound of golf ball being struck ). I nailed that. So beautiful.

(A man’s voice calls out): Great shot Mr. President! Leave your putter in the bag. Looks like a kick in eagle. You are the man!

(Note: ball is actually more than 40 feet from the hole).

Trump: Thanks Wayne. Now I know why they call you the Great One.

Mark Carney: (Under his breath) Gretzky!

To be continued….

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Michael Cochrane is a Toronto lawyer (www.btlegal.ca) and author (michaelcochrane.ca). He was a recent recipient of the King Charles III Coronation Medal for his contributions to politics, public policy and justice.